Advent Idiots
by Luna-Starr
Summary: A parody off Advent Children. Cloud's a dramatic depressive. Kadaj has mommy issues. Need I say more?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Advent Children, Ralph Lauren, or FF in anyway, shape or form.

Luna: I recently saw Advent Children and LOVED IT. But there was too many things in it to poke fun at and I just couldn't resist. So be a dear and leave a review! And I appreciate constructive criticism, not flames. This is co-written by my friend, Kat; and her severe Kadaj issues…Anyway, Enjoy!  
Chapter1: Of Silver haired, metro sexual men and dramatic depressive blondes.

Seprioth's form was shown, fire blazing all around him.

" Once upon a time, there was an angry, silver haired, metro sexual man," said a little girl, " He summoned a shiny fire ball to destroy the world."

Suddenly the screen flashes to Tifa, Cid and Red.

" Then people stopped him. There was Tifa, scantily clad but could kick the ass of any grown man, Cid; who enjoyed smoking and booze and fluffy, woodland Red. Aww…fuzzy Red…"  
Next, Cloud is shown fighting the Metro sexual male.

" This is Cloudo, the dramatic, depressive blonde. Many battles were fought. And after was much sadness."  
The next slide shows Cloud dumping Aeris' body into a stream.

" Even someone I really liked died…sister, who I knew for exactly 10 seconds."  
**Meanwhile…**

Marlene was by her sick friend, Denzel's side.

" Denzel!" she screamed.

" What?" asked Denzel, now wide awake.

" Sorry…is the Geostigma gone?"

She pointed to his arm, and he blinked.

" No. That's just some dirt," said Denzel, quickly brushing it off, " Its on my head."

" Oh…Please don't take Denzel away!" said Marlene, to the air.

Denzel gave her an odd look, " Huh?"  
" What?"  
"…Okay then."  
**Meanwhile…**

7th Heaven bar was empty, as usual. Since everyone was infected with the Geostigma thing, you'd think that they would of wanted to go to a bar and get piss drunk so they could die happy. But of course not.

So Tifa was bored, aimlessly pacing the floors.

That's when the phone rang.

" Cloudo's not here." said Tifa, to the air.

The phone disagreed. It rang some more, so Tifa ran to it and picked it up and screamed, " Listen, you damn telemarketers, I don't wanna switch to a family share plan! Those orphans aren't exactly my kids anyway, and Cloudo's so damn platonic that I won't be having any anytime soon-"

She paused in mid-sentence.

" Reno! Of course I remember you! Kicked your ass a couple of times, along with the quiet bald dudes'. Hello? Hello!…That's funny…must've got disconnected." said Tifa, with a shrug.

So Tifa began dialing Cloud's-er, Cloudo's number.

****

Meanwhile…

Cloud was riding around on his motorcycle, randomly. He stopped the bike when he saw an old buster sword wedged in the sand. He ran his fingers along it and said, " I said that I'd live for your sake, too…By taking your hairstyle, weapon, old girlfriend and identity; but…"

Cloud trailed off, remembering Zack.

" Hey! I'll look out for you, too!"

" Cloudo, did you just fart?"

" Are we going to Midgar?"

" RUN, CLOUDO, RUN!"

Cloud's phone interrupted his meaningful flashback of his currently dead best friend.

" Cloudo, are you okay? Anyway, remember Rufus? He said he got a job for you but be careful-" said his phone message.

He began to wonder why the hell everyone added 'o' to the end of his name. That was partially why he would drive off on what he called, 'brooding sessions.'

Far away from our depressed, bruteing blonde man was 3, silver haired, metro sexual men.

One was delicate and feminine-like, with soft, flowing, silver hair. Upon seeing him, many men questioned their sexuality. His name was Yazoo. Yazoo liked twirling his fingers in his hair.

The second was Kadaj. The youngest, with sever mommy issues, and the top on Kat's 'Must Molest' list.

The third was the easily over looked, least sexy, less interesting Loz. But to add some spice to this crybaby, we'll call him 'Log'. Why? Well, why not?

" Kadaj, do you think Mother's there?" asked Yazoo, staring at his hair.

" Don't…cry, Yazoo!" cried Log, tears already streaming.

Log was ignored.

" Probably," said Kadaj, and silkily pointed to Cloud riding his bike, " Oh look, its our Brother."  
" You know…" said Yazoo, " He really looks nothing like us. He's blonde, less feminine, and-"

Kadaj cut him off.

" I meant because of the cells, baka."  
" Stop crying Yazoo!" said Log, wiping his eyes, " You really…have to stop!"  
Once again, no one paid him any mind.

" Let's go after him!" said Yazoo.

The feminine metro sexual male and the crybaby metro sexual male sped off on their bikes, leaving the younger, hotter metro sexual male behind.

The 2 some caught up to Cloud, and opened fire.

" Where's mother!" he demanded.

Cloud blocked the bullets with his huge ass sword and gave him an odd look.

" STOP LYING!" hollered Log, " Or you'll make Yazoo cry!"  
" I didn't say anything." said Cloud, dryly.

" Well? WHERE'S MOTHER!" demanded Yazoo, again.

Cloud accelerated, slashing at them; and the random monsters that seemed to come out of the air.

Yazoo managed to get a clear shot of Cloud, and shot his sun glasses off.

" No! My Ralph Lauren sunglasses! HOW COULD YOU?" asked Cloud, in shock.

That's when all the monsters decided to dog pile on him. Just when Cloud was about to be a smear on the road, they all disappeared. And Yazoo and the other metro sexual male sped off.

Cloud stared, dumbly.

" What the hell…?"  
Kadaj was on his cell phone, still on the cliff.

" Stop yelling at me!" Kadaj yelled, " Where's Mother! Tell me, or I'll have a temper tantrum!"  
Cloud was holding his broken sunglasses, ruined beyond repair.

" Whether it be friends, family, complete strangers or sunglasses, I can't save anyone." whined Cloud.

So he got back on his bike and drove in the direction of Rufus' headquarters.

Luna: Done! REVIEW! Next Chapter: Of Tifa whupping Log.


	2. Of Tifa whupping Log

Disclaimer: Own nothing of FF.

Luna: Yay reviews:: dances: So happy you guys liked it! Thanks!

Chapter 2: Of Tifa whupping Log.

Cloud walked into the building, and was automatically attacked by Reno. Cloud side stepped him and Reno ended up charging outside instead; and falling off the railing. Bored, Cloud closed the door as Reno screamed making impact w/ the ground.  
And thusly Kat yelled, 'NO. SEXY RENO MAN! I HAVENT GOTTEN TO MOLEST _YOU_ YET! BAD CLOUD...CLOUDO!"

Cloud ignored the odd voice in his head, figuring it was just Aeris…Wait, Aeris wanted RENO?  
Next Rude, the odd bald man; came out. He cracked his knuckles, but thought better of attacking when he saw Cloud's huge ass sword.  
" You look sexy, Rude!" screamed Reno, from outside, as if trying to confirm that he was part of FF7.  
Rude sighed and shook his head.  
And cloud sighed and looked confused as an all-knowing wheelchair...wheeled in...wait, no, that was a _dude_! And he had a blanket covering his every feature...except half his face, leaving us all to sit there, be pissed and wonder who mysterious wheelchair was.  
Wheel chair man bumped face first into a wall, what were u expecting, I mean, it was covering his face.

Rude quickly rushed over to Wheel Chair and wheeled him away from the wall that he smashed himself into.

" What do you want?" asked Cloud.

" I request your services." said wheel chair man.

Cloud cocked an eyebrow.

" Let's get something straight, it was only once, okay! I didn't dress in drag cause I wanted to!" cried Cloud.

Everyone gave him an odd look.

" I meant body guard services…" said WheelChair, blinking.

" Is that you, Rufus?"  
" No…really."

" Really?"  
" Your such a blonde…"

" Hey!" screamed Reno, banging against the door, " Let me in! Or I'll huff and puff, and blow-"

" Shutup, Reno." said Rufus, with a sigh.

" Who were those men who attacked me?" asked Cloud.

" Kadaj's gang," explained Rufus, " Their reckless, young and metro sexual."  
" Why was he whining about his mother?"  
" You know kids these days. Going on killing sprees to find their birth mother."

"…No."

" Oh. Well, its 'in' now. Its not like I got Jenova's neck in a box."

"Okay…"

" So, will you be my bodyguard?"  
" Not interested."

And then there was this odd voice...from seemingly out of nowhere.  
"Ohh come on, chickenshit, take the job! Be a bodyguard! Drop the paper boy routine!" and the pissed-off voice was muffled.  
"Shut it, Kat, he'll hear you!" another voice snapped. A loud oww and a curse from the nicer- sounding voice.  
"STUPID PANSY! SEPHIROTH PWNZZZZZ YOU!"  
"SHUT UP, KAT!"  
"I WILL NOT, SEPHIROTH AND KADAJ PWN YOU! mmm...sephiroth and kadaj...yaaaaaooooi..."  
"shut- shut up, shut up!" the other voice chanted and yelled "IMAGES!"

" Aw, come on; Ex-Soldier Cloudo!" said Reno.

" Only I can call myself that," said Cloud, and led himself out.

He left the place, leaving everyone to wonder what the hell that had to do with anything.

****

Meanwhile…

Tifa and Marlene were at the Church. Cloud's church.

__

2 years and he still isn't over her…thought Tifa, bitterly.

" Look at all these flowers!" cried Marlene, then spotted a random, dirty piece of white ribbon, " Oh no! It's like Denzels! Is he…infected?"

Tifa stared at it.

" Either that or he doesn't bathe much," said Tifa, " He could of told us."  
" That he doesn't practice personal hygiene?"  
Tifa ignored her and said, " He doesn't even plan on fighting Geotstigma…that damn, emo, spikey haired jerk!"  
Marlene politely tuned out Tifa during her " Why can't Cloud love me?" rant. That's also when someone walked into the church.

" Cloudo!" cried Marlene.

Nope, she was wrong. It was Log.

" Want to play?" asked Log.

Tifa gave him an odd look.

" Pedophile!" cried Marlene.

" Wait! That's not what I meant!" said Log, tears beginning to fall, " Stop twisting my words around!"

Log wiped away his tears and blew his nose into a hanky.

" I see. You don't want to play." he said, trying to put up the macho façade and failing, miserably, " Where's mother?"  
" How am I supposed to know?" asked Tifa, exploding at him, " You barge in here, saying creepy, pedophilic things, and then you expect me to know where your mother is!"  
Log began to bawl again, " You don't have to shout!"  
She felt slightly guilty, and mumbled an apology.

Suddenly, he charged at her; Tifa side stepping him. Fancy hand to hand combat ensues. Long story short, she slams Log into the floor, with his wooden breathen of the same name.

That's when the victory music played. And out of sheer reflex, Tifa did her victory stance thing. Until she realized that it was Log's phone.

Log answered his phone and barked into it, " No! I was not crying! What? No, Mother's not here…Bring the girl?"  
Tifa got into fighting stance again, and Log said, " Let's continue."  
He threw a bench at her, and Tifa shattered it with her fist. With inhuman speed, Log got behind her and electrocuted her. Tifa screamed and fell back on the flower bed.

Log got on top of her-Wait! That's not what it looks like! He was about to deliver the final blow, when Marlene hit him with a materia ball. He turned and screamed, " You gave me a boo-boo!"

This brought a fresh batch of tears from Log, and an awkward scernio for Marlene.

Luna: Hope you liked it! REVIEW!


	3. Of Kadaj and his fetish with the word

Disclaimer: Not owning FF…Or Clearasil Or Herbal Essence.

Luna: THANKS SO MUCH! YOU GUYS REALLY LOVE US! YAY! I know I said Kadaj was top on Kat's must molest list, but NOW HE'S MINE:: grins: You'll see later…Anyway, this chapter has a special bonus at the end, called " Chibified Adventures in Final Fantasy Land, Or CAF for short." Its basically what would happen if me and Kat met some of the FF people…And for those people who read my infamous RE4 Infected with Dumbness, did you notice the reference to it in Chapter 2? Here's a hint, Marlene says it…: grins: COOKIES FOR REVIEWERS!

Chapter 3: Of Kadaj and his fetish with the word " Reunion"

Kadaj had gotten to Rufus' hideout.

" Where's my mother?" asked Kadaj, ready to throw a tantrum.

" I don't know. Who is this mother you speak if?" asked Rufus.

Kadaj glared. " Jenova!"  
" Why do you need her?"  
" For the reunion!" declared Kadaj, " And so I can finally meet mother…"  
At this point, he had a far off, starry gaze. Rufus was a bit disturbed.

" Once we have a reunion, I'll be back to normal," said Kadaj, trailing off, " And their will be a huge feast, pudding and reuniting…"  
" Okay…"

He threw 2 bloodied cards at Rufus, and said, " Now will you stop lying to me about where mother is?"  
" How does 2 cards with strawberry jam smeared on it gonna change my mind?" he asked.

Kadaj bowed at Rufus' feet, foaming at the mouth; mumbling 'Reunion.' And Rufus could've swore he saw another Silver Haired, Metrosexual Male in his place, with a 7 ft long sword.

****

Meanwhile…

Cloud began to wonder what the purpose of his existence was when he failed to save the 2 people that meant most to him. Completely forgetting that he saved the world. And millions of other people.

He entered 'his' church when he saw a black-haired woman lying in his flower bed. _Now what was her name?_ He thought, _Trish? Tiffany?  
_" Tifa?" asked Cloud.

He ran to her side and shook her.

" Tifa! Tifa! You ruined the flower bed!" he exclaimed.

Tifa glared at him and said, " I'm doing fine, thanks. Some guy came in here, spouting pedophilic lines and asking about his mommy."  
" Again!"

Cloud's arm went haywire, and he dropped Tifa. He fell next to her, knocked out.

Suddenly, a drop of water hit's a lake.

" What is this!" I asked, to the air, " A Clearasil commercial?"

Cloud and Tifa were suddenly in a field of flowers, where a voice giggled, " I bet you can't guess who I am!"  
That's when Cloud woke up. He saw Tifa. IN his bed. On closer look, he sighed in relief. She was only in a bed next to him. For a second, he thought he was cheating on Aeris. Despite the fact she was dead and they had a completely platonic relationship.

" Your heavy to carry!" announced Reno, walking in, " Would it kill you to lose some weight?"  
" Where's Marlene?" asked Cloud, brushing the question aside.

Although, on the inside, Reno's question was eating him alive.

" They said they were gathering kids for the Reunion or something," explained Reno, " The forgotten capital…"

Tifa had woken up, and sensed Cloud's depression.

" You plan on going alone, right?" asked Tifa.

__

Am I really that fat? thought Cloud, bruting about Reno's comment.

" But you don't have to, we can do it together-" she continued.

His mind wandered as he tried to figure out why hadn't he died yet for being a fat slob and letting the 2 people he loved most die, as Tifa continued her 'Love-Me-I'm-The-Upbeat-Positive-Friend' speech.

" And every cloud has a silver lining-"

Reno snickered at this.

" And then we can fight the good fight-"  
" I have to go." he decided.

" Zuzuzuzuz." she said, suddenly.

Cloud stared.

" I think she just wanted to waste more of your time with heart to heart talk." said Reno, with a shrug.

Tifa gave him a death glare, but Cloud was already out the door.

****

Meanwhile…

The 3 metro sexual males were at a lake, surrounded by little children. Kadaj grinned, his 'Reunion' was becoming a reality. Yazoo twirled his fingers in his hair, distracted. Log held Marlene's hand, for he had a fear of 'strangers' aka the little children. Marlene had too much pity for him, so she couldn't escape.

" You are all in time for our Reunion," said Kadaj, beaming, " You see, Mother gave us the power to battle the Planet!"

Denzel raised his hand.

" What?" asked Kadaj.

" If we battle the Planet, won't we destroy it? And kill ourselves in the process?" asked Denzel.

Kadaj hadn't actually considered this. Mother had told him these things, so they must be true. He looked at Yazoo for support, but the eldest was busy braiding his own hair. He knew better than to look at Log for help, so he just ignored his question.

" We're all Brothers and Sisters here!" announced Kadaj.

" They really don't look anything like us." commented Yazoo.

" I wanna go home!" whined Log.

Kadaj had a good mind to strangle both his brothers, the stupid one and the overly pretty one. Always the optimist, Kadaj grabbed a materia ball.

" Ahh…the Planet's power!" he said.

" But I thought we had to fight the Planet!" exclaimed a confused Denzel.

" You will shutup or I will rip out your intestines and feed them to you!" threatened Kadaj, " As I was saying-"

" Kadaj, look at the shiny balls!" said Log, smiling at his amazing discovery.

Laughter erupted from all the children. The 3 metro sexual males, despite being in their 20's, being evil and all knowing, couldn't understand why this caused such humor. It just basically pissed off Kadaj.

" SHUTUP!" he screamed.

They all listened.

So Kadaj did something kinda creepy and…odd. He inserted the materia ball, right INTO his own arm.

" Ahh…the power…" he said, smiling, " Do like I do."

With that, Kadaj walked into the water; it slowly turning black.

" Oh no! Kadaj, did you wet yourself?" asked Log, panicked.

Kadaj ignored that and drank the blackened water. But some of the kids hesitated, afraid they were indeed drinking Kadaj's piss. He also REALLY wanted to kill Log about then, but refrained.

" No! Denzel!" cried Marlene.

Denzel decided, just to piss off Marlene who had woke him up earlier; that he would drink the odd, Kadaj piss water. And he did. And Marlene screamed. And Yazoo mumbled something about Herbal Essence.

****

Chibified Adventures In Advent Children Land

Part One: The Metrosexual, Silver-Haired Men

The 3, silver-haired, metro sexual men sat patiently around the fire; bored and having nothing to do when they weren't kicking Cloud's ass.

" Yazoo…There's something in your hair," said Kadaj, dumbfounded.

Sure enough, upon the eldest head was a sickeningly cute creature. Whatever it was, it was female; with big hazel eyes and dark brown ringlet curls.

" Hello…" the creature cooed, amusing twirling Yazoo's hair in her fingers.

" What are you?" asked Yazoo, trying to hide his enjoyment that his hair was being played with.

" ITS SCARY!" hollered Log.

Kadaj stared at the chibi thing and asked, hopefully, " Mother?"  
" Lover." she purred.

" Brother!" cried Kadaj, alarmed.

" Idiots…" I said, with a sigh.

The little thing giggled and sprawled out on Yazoo's head.

" My name's Kat Valentine and I am at your service." she purred even more, lowering her voice.

And their expressions could only be described as OMGWTFBQQ!  
" Why on earth are you on me?" blushed Yazoo.

" Because Kat loves her Zooy," the creature smirked.

Yazoo blushed even more, for he never truly had physical contact with a female before.

A chibi, red-haired, green eyed girl popped into existence, aka Luna Starr; and said " Poor Yazoo…so deprived."  
" Mother?" asked Kadaj, wide eyed.

" If there's incest involved, sure." I stated.

The sound of Kadaj's jaw hitting the floor was enjoyable.

" Zooy, Zooy, zoooy!" sang Kat, and toyed with his hair.

" Please stop…"  
" Zooy, Zooy, zoooy!"

" It scares me!" cried Log.

" Butterfiles scare you." I stated.

" HOLD ME YAZOO! STOP CRYING!" screamed Log.

I sighed.

" Why do you have a mommy obession?" I asked Kadaj.

" Because my mommy's in a box" he responded, immediately.

When Yazoo leaned forward to pat Log on the head, Kat grabbed a strand of hair and tugged.

" No. Mine." she purred, glaring at Log.

" WHY CAN'T I HAVE A CHIBI, SCARY THING?" asked Log, tears streaming.

" Because you suck." I said.

Luna: Okay, you the viewers get to vote whether you want me to keep the Chibi portion of the fic. And if you really think it sucked, please don't flame too badly!

Foggy Brains: Pwned basically means 'Owned' in net speak. Appreciate your review!

To All: THANKSSSS! I know, I say that too much. : sweat drop: hehe, laters!


	4. Of Vincent's Odd, floating cloak

Disclaimer: No. Not owning FF! Or Herbal Essence! Or Godzilla./

Luna: Sorry for the late update, I'm gonna try updating once or twice a week, its been really hectic…Woot! More reviews! Instead of the Chibi thingy, I have a DIFFERENT, prettier extra for you all. A song that my friend, Arielle; wrote about our good friends of Advent Children! Arielle, YOU ROCK! And after that is our regularly scheduled broadcasting. As always, thanks for the support. YAY 40 REVIEWS! U GUYS ROCK!

****

"Mommy in a Box"

By: Arielle

I see silver  
Mum in a box  
I see metros  
Mum in a box  
I see hotness  
And questioning my sexuality.

Reunion  
Reunion  
Are you my mother?  
You're a mother Fer!

Sephiroth back  
Kicking ass  
Little voices screaming at Cloud-ooooo  
Ex Soliders all around

Mum in a box  
Mum in a box  
Kadaj incest  
Yazoo just there  
Log crying over spilled milk  
Mum in a box  
Mum in a box

Rufus is a wheelchair  
Rufus is a wheelchair  
There mum is only a neck  
Rude is bald  
Reno's still in the closet

Chapter 4: Of Vincent's Odd, Floating Cloak.

Cloud sped off in his motorcycle. One minute he was driving, the next in an LSD-induced trip with a filed of flowers.

A figure stood back to back with him, as if you couldn't guess…

" Even when your about to break…you come," said Aeris, " Why are you here?"

Cloud shrugged.

" Do you…want forgiveness?"

"…Yes. Yes I do." stated Cloud.

" Well, too damn bad!" she cried.

Cloud turned to her, looking much like a sad, suicidal puppy.

" I was kidding!" said Aeris, grinning, " You always take things too seriously. I don't hate you, even if you did stare at me like a moron when Sephiroth violently thrusted a sword through my stomach."

" Really?" asked Cloud, although the way she described it made him feel worse. Then again, anything could set off Cloud.

" Yeah! Besides, you came to see me!"  
With those words, Cloud was jerked out of his LSD trance. Still driving completely straight. Not in a ditch. Creepy…

That's when the little children jumped out at him. Cloud skidded the bike, wanting to avoid hitting them and getting sued.

He jumped off the bike and was rushed by Yazoo and Log. Cloud took out his huge ass sword and gasp; had 2 huge ass swords of equal size. The power of mitosis in action!

He went into a flurry of slashing steel, repelling bullets and jumping on white trees. Trees…or coral? These are the questions you want to know the answer to. Anyway, Kadaj attacked him with his pretty blade and Cloud whupped all 3 metro sexual males.

Until he was chased down the tree, where his dramatic depressive ass was saved by random, gun toting red cloak. So Yazoo did the only sensible thing when one was faced with a cloak creature packing heat. Run to his mommy. Or box, whatever. Log had long ran off with Kadaj and the now possessed children.

The cloak thing ended up to be Vincent.

" Vincento." said Cloud.

" Cloudo…" he said.

Cloud flinched, due to his annoying nickname and the pain in his arm.

" Geostigma…is a virus caused by the body to get rid of foreign substances." said Vincent.

Cloud gave him a blank look.

" Its bad." he said, simplifying it.

" I know that."  
" I've been watching Kadaj and his gang for some time now."

"…Vincento, don't you have a life?"  
"…Not really."

Suddenly, something jumped out at him and clutched to his leg. Marlene.

" Cloudo!" she cried, " They took Denzel!"

" Who…?" he asked, " Look, let's just go home…"  
She let go of him.

" No!" she cried, " Tifa was right! You are a spikey haired, emo, jerk! I wanna talk to Tifa!"

" My phone drowned."  
Marlene turned her attention to Vincent.

" What? You seriously expect me of all people to have a cell phone?" he asked.

" I can't believe this!"  
" Yeah," said Cloud, " Vincento's a cheapo, bastardo."  
He might of laughed at his own joke, if he wasn't dwelling on the fact about Tifa calling him a 'spikey haired, emo, jerk.' And you know, everything else.

Vincent, however, gave him a death glare that could've killed him in an instant.

" Take Marlene home." ordered Cloud.

" I can't comply."  
" What are you? A robot? Just do it!"

Vincent sighed. He hated little kids, but Marlene seemed normal enough…Without further ado, Cloud sped off on his nifty bike.

Vincent was alone. With the child.

And so it began.

" Vincento, why do you have metal feet?" asked Marlene, sweetly.

" Because I was experimented on." he answered, in a clipped tone.

" Why is your hair long?"  
" Because I LIKE it long."  
" Why don't you have a cellphone?"  
" Because I am, as in the words of Cloudo; 'cheapo, bastardo.'"

" Why do you look like a vampire?"

That was the last straw. Vincent trembled, tilted his head back and hissed.

Needless to say, Marlene shut up indefinitely.

****

Meanwhile…

At a random town square, Yazoo and Log had chained up some kids to a carousel like thing. What the purpose of this is, we'll never know.

" Yazoo, why isn't my hair soft and flowing?" asked Log.

" Because you don't use Herbal Essence." he said, matter of factually.

A crowd gathered around the spectacle, curious. The crowd then began to run in horror as random monsters appeared out of the thin air.

****

Meanwhile…

" Your 100 percent sure you cannot find Mother?" asked Kadaj.

" How many times do I have to tell you? Your mother isn't in a box that isn't on my lap that isn't covered by a sheet!" cried Rufus.

" Okay…Let's take this baby for a test drive!" announced Kadaj.

Rufus gave him an odd look, and watched Kadaj flick out his arm to the sky.

For a couple of seconds, nothing happened. Then, a huge dragon creature flew out of the Bahamut.

****

Back to Log and Yazoo

Reno and Rude were on the scene, confused. Reno stopped short and whacked Rude in the face with his stick. Metal pole stick, that is.

Tifa had raced into the chaotic place and found Denzel in chains. In a trance.

" Denzel!" she cried, and began shaking him.

There was no recognition in his eyes.

" Denzel!" she screamed, more frantic.

No reaction.

So what does one do when one can't wake someone by shaking them 20 times? Shake them another 20 times, of course!

Bahamut landed right in front of them, poised to attack. Instead of Tifa opening a can of whupass on the Guardian Force/aeon/Summon Spirit/ Eidloen, she just clutched to Denzel, protectively; the smart thing to do.

But she was knocked aside by random monster, whilst Denzel snapped out of his trance. He called her name repeatedly before losing it and charging at the dragon.

Which, of course, made perfect sense. When one has no weapon, zero fighting experience and is up against a Godzilla rip-off that's 30 times bigger than you; rushing at it is the ideal thing to do. And remember kids, Luna-Starr doesn't endorse any of Denzel's actions.

A hand held him back, and gunfire erupted on the dragon; whom recoiled. The gun arm belonged to Barret.

" Protect Mom!" ordered Barret, who kept firing.

Bahamut's mouth opened and gathered energy, when suddenly a spear pierced it's snout; delaying the attack. The bearer of the spear was the booze drinking, cancer stick smoking, Cid Highwind.

Luna: Chapter End! REVIEW!


	5. Of Cloud getting high But not that kind

Disclaimer: I don't own Any FF, or Phantom.

Luna: WOOT! I'm so happy and in awe of the popularity of this fic. Thanks a bunch, people!

To Tamakun808: It's an honor that you like our story so much to include it in yours. It's fine by me, but under one condition; you must mention that Luna-Starr a.k.a me had originally wrote that portion of it. Good luck with it!

Back to our program!  
Chapter 5: Of Cloud getting high. But not that kind of high.

Denzel looked confused as Tifa got to her feet.

" That's my new ship!" cried Cid, pointing upward, " It's called the Ciara! I'll take you guys in it, later!"  
Bahamaut recovered from Cid's attack and took fight, taking Cid as a passenger.

" Who's he?" asked Denzel.

" One of the eight other guys that helped us save the world from an angry, metro sexual male with a 7ft sword." explained Tifa.

Vincent swooped in out of nowhere and said " Where's the phone seller?"  
He was greeted by odd looks.

"…Do you really think that's necessary? I mean, we're being attacked by a Summon Spirit/Aeon/Guardian Force/ Eioldeon gone wild. Is this really time for purchasing stuff?" she asked.

" I was kidding…" he said, sheepishly.

Tifa looked as if she was going to have an episode. The day Vincent Valentine made a joke was truly when the world was coming to a quick end.

****

Meanwhile…

The overly pretty metro sexual and the incompetent one chased down the Ex-Turks.

Reno turned to face them, stick in position. As in his weapon. Why do I always feel the need to clarify that?

" So are you guys really serious about the Reunion or whatever?" asked Reno.

" Yes. We'll meet mother." said Yazoo.

" Oh, come on! She's a frickin neck in a box!" cried Reno.

Log's eyes threatened to tear, and Yazoo stopped staring at his hair and looked pissed.

" How dare you refer to mother like that!" cried Log, some tears rolling down his cheeks, " I'll never forgive you!"

" What did you say about my mama!" asked Yazoo, eyes as cold as marble.  
" I'm sorry…" said Rude, taken aback by Log's tears.

" Me too. Wait…Why the hell are we apologizing for!" exclaimed Reno, making a valid point.

Cans of whupass were cracked open all over, but sadly; our heroes weren't winning.

Rude and Log got into an odd, some what provocative, crab-like position. Log gave him a toothy grin that Rude found unnerving, and Rude was thrown into the air. He landed with a thud, when a bill board fell on him. His sunglasses fell off, as Reno came crashing down as on his partner. Shattering the glasses.

Let's recap the death toll today, shall we?  
People: 10

Sunglasses: 2

Cloud's Positive Emotions: 99. But that other 1 percent involved him having a quick death.

Reno got up from a tangle of limbs, dizzy. Yazoo smirked at him, and leapt up the building, Log followed suit.

" Dude! Dude, you broke my sunglasses!" cried an anguished Rude.

But luckily, he had a spare in his pocket.

" What, mommy? No, I don't wanna go to school! You can't make me!" whined a delirious Reno.

If Rude heard one more thing about someone's mother…

****

Meanwhile…

Yuffie had appeared on the scene. She gasped upon seeing Bahamut.

" Who's got my materia?" demanded the kleptomaniac ninga, " I worked long and hard to steal it from idiots like Cloudo!"  
" The bad guys, of course." answered Tifa.

Yuffie looked as if to have a fit.

Red Xll, with Cait Sith on his back, lunged at the aeon. This was combined with Barret's gunfire and Cid poking at it with a spear.

" We're no match for it!" panicked Cait Sith.

Red thought Cait Sith should drink a nice, tall glass of 'Shut the Hell Up' since he was doing nothing except sitting on his back. But his mouth was too full of scales to voice that opinion.

Vincent opened fire on him and Yuffie ran up a wall and threw her Shrikun at it.

That's when Cloud made a grand entrance.

" You late, biacth!" greeted Barret.

" He's here!" said Tifa, " I secretly love him, why can't he realize that I secretly love him? Does he secretly know that I secretly love him?"

Everyone tuned her out, again. So the group did whatever they did when Cloud was around. Sat back and watch him do all the work. Cause they were slackers.

He swung his sword a bit, weakening Bahamut, until he went flying.

" Let's finish this." said Cloud.

" You know what this means!" said Yuffie, whilst stealthily stealing his wallet, " We got to make Cloudo fly! And go WEEEEEE!"  
They scrambled and Barret threw Cloud in the air.

" Busta cap in his ass for me, yo." requested Barret, completely forgetting that Cloud had no gun.

Cloud got some air as Cid stuck out his lance and hefted him higher into the air.

" Go, Cloudo, go!" he cried.

Cloud got higher, then Red grabbed him in his jaws and flung him. He was so incredibly high that he had the urge to stare at his hand for hours.

Yuffie was next to aid him in his addiction, I mean, aid in the demise of Bahamut.

" Cloudo, if you die, can I have your wallet?" she asked, flinging him up.

He didn't answer, and vaguely felt his pocket lighter.

" Fly!" cried Vincent, and threw him.

Finally, there was Tifa who piped up, " It's not over yet!"  
Cloud felt his stomach turn from all the positively radiating off her. He flew higher and saw Aeris, who grabbed his hand and said, " Don't look down."  
Cloud, out of human nature to disobey anything he's told; looked down. And instantly regretted it, because he remembered his deathly fear of heights. He began falling, and Aeris grabbed him again, pulling him through Bahamut's energy attack and said, " There, you idiot."

Cloud was so filled with sadness that he nearly gave up on fighting Bahamut. She called him an idiot. _Idiot Cloudo, idiot Cloudo._

It rang in his head, again and again. He slashed into Bahamut, suddenly furious. He friends did the usual.

Yuffie was stealing from the poor, unbeknownst passersby.

Cid was smoking a cancer stick, stopping to pause and scream at clouds-not the person.

Red was publicly licking a part of himself that was making others feel very uncomfortable.

Barret was staring and screaming at his gun arm, and massacring the English language at the same time.

Tifa was happily shouting words of encouragement, masking her anger that Cloud was too stupid to notice she loved him.

Aeris was a decaying corpse and a voice in Cloud's head.

" Schizophreniaaa…." said Kat, twitching, " Schizophreniaaaa…"

I sighed.

Vincent was brooding because he was emo and had no cellphone.

Cait Sith…was just there.

****

Chibi Time

Part 2: Cloud and Co.

The bored heroes lazed around Seventh Heaven, totally out of stuff to do.

There was a 'pop' noise and a creature; aka Kat was sitting on Tifa's head.

" Tifa, Tifa Lockhearttt…" she meowed and smiled, " None of you are hot enough, but Tifa is cool, so….TIFAAAA!"  
Cloud "…" ed.

" CLOUD!" I screamed, and glomped him, " I LURVE YOUUUU!"  
Cloud stared at the tiny thing clinging to him, and was a tiniest bit happy she didn't add 'o' at the end of his name.

" But your so depressed…" I trailed off, " ooh! Door knocker!"  
Everyone watched in curiosity as I 'knocked' the door knocker thing on Cloud's outfit.

" Who are you?" he asked.

" Well, my name's BBLEEEEEPPPPP or you could call me Luna." I said, grinning.

" Hehe…neat bleepy noise go bleepity beep." the tiny thing on Tifa's head giggled, " Cloud is depressed. Not as depressed as my Phantom. I like Phantom. I like whipped cream. I like chocolate sauce."

I rolled my eyes at her obsession.

" Door knocker….door knocker…" I said, preoccupied.

" Hey, Cloud, guess who loves you?" asked Kat.

"…Aeris?" he asked.

" No."

A huge arrow suddenly pointed to Tifa.

"…Cid?"  
" NO! U DENSE, SPIKEY HAIRED DUMBASS!"  
"…Bob?"

" WHO THE HELL IS BOB!" Kat yowled in annoyance.

"…My lover?" he asked.

That's when we realized just how oblivious our blonde was.

Luna: CHAPTER END! REVIEWWWW!


	6. Of Cloud chasing Kadaj and Yuffie's Klet

Disclaimer: Not owning anything with a copyright.

Luna: Sadly, this is the next to last chapter…: starts sobbing.: I'll try to update sometime next week. THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS!

Chapter 6: Of Cloud chasing Kadaj and Yuffie's kleptomania.

Kadaj smirked at his handy work.

" Who should I call out next?" asked Kadaj, trying to make Rufus sweat, " The Scantily Clad Ice Queen? The Knights Of The Round that'll take so long to kick ass that you can finish a 5 course meal with dessert in the time that they're summoned and when they leave? Or Choco Mog, that'll sit it's fat ass on everyone? Or-"  
Rufus cut him off.

" Remember the box that your mom wasn't in that wasn't on my lap?" he asked.

" Yeah…?"  
" I lied."

Rufus threw the sheet off, stood up and threw Mommy-In-A-Box off the side of the building.

" Mother!" screeched Kadaj.

Rufus shot the box as it fell, then tripped over his own 2 feet. What did you except? Rufus was in a wheel chair for a while and suddenly jumps up and you expect him to have perfect balance?

" MOTHERRRR!" wailed Kadaj.

He took a nose dive off the building, risking his life for a stupid ass box. Rufus ripped off the Matrix as time slowed down when he pumped more lead into the Mommy-In-A-Box.

" MOTHERRR! MOTHERRRR!"

Kadaj managed to grab the box, defying gravity. Rufus fell head first, into a conviently placed net.

Kadaj landed on his feet, cat like; Mommy-In-A-Box safely in his hot, muscular arms; I mean, arms. Cloud noticed this, for he was in the middle of another brooding session and ignoring his friends and Kadaj caught his eye.

Kadaj ran for the motorcycle, mom in tow and sped off. Cloud followed. Stalker.

" Wait! Kadaj, where's mommy!" asked Log.

He and Yazoo took off on their own bikes, intent on meeting "mother" and kicking Cloud's ass.

But not before Tifa screamed after him, chipper as usual, " Kick Kadaj's ass! I have 100, total and complete confidence in you!"  
Cloud had to swallow down vomit.

" Hehe…I have his wallet…" said Yuffie, proud of herself.

" So what do we do now?" asked Tifa.

Yuffie's earnings from her sticky fingers weren't what she excepted. There was no gil in his wallet.

****

Flashback

Cloud was on his bike, right before the LSD-induced Aeris trance.

He was still bruting over the fact that Reno called him a 'fat, useless, lazy, slob'. Okay, so maybe he only called him fat. Okay, so maybe he only implied fat.

Cloud decided that the perfect way to lose weight was to go on hunger strike. Completely forgetting he had a muscular physic and a 6-pack.

Deciding he had no more use for money, he threw all his gil in a nearby lake.

****

Back to the Present…

" NOOOOO!" cried Yuffie.

" I know, I'm worried too…" said Tifa, missing the point.

" We could cruise around in my ship!" offered Cid, " And…uh…back up Cloudo!"  
Yuffie was screaming profanities, as Red began to scratch himself in a not so nice area.

" Sounds good, " said Vincent, " It's not like I have a life or anything."  
" That sounds mad cool, yo!" announced Barret.

Tifa was already making 'Go Cloudo!' banners to show her undying devotion to him.

****

Meanwhile…

Cloud was racing after Kadaj, who was wayy ahead. Yazoo was going so fast that you'd of thought it was a clearance sale on Herbal Essence. Log was also catching up.

Log tried to hit Cloud, whom swerved away.

And they were doing the motorcycle thing, until Log got bored and threw his motorcycle at him; which only managed to flatten one of Cloud's gravity defying spikes. He had to suppress tears cause he thought it was cut off. And Cloud was suddenly in possession of different emotions.

****

Cloud Emotion Stages

Aeris is dead.

Aeris is dead. Cloud is sad.

Aeris is dead. Cloud is suicidal.

Aeris is dead. Cloud is useless.

Aeris is dead. Cloud is mildly frustrated.

Aeris is dead. Cloud angry.

Aeris is dead. Cloud SMASH.

Cloud's Hair is messed up, Cloud SMASH times 20.

So Cloud swung his sword, his emo-ness aiding his violence. Yazoo attempted to shoot him, but failed; because Cloud was still angry about the temporary loss of his cool-ass hair. Screaming like a mentally challenged cave man, the ex-SOLIDER swung at him.

****

Meanwhile…the Reno and Rude-ness

"…" commented Rude, wisely.

" Yeah, the economy does suck." Reno agreed.

"…" Reno nodded.

" Boom? Sure."

Just then, Cloud sped out of the tunnel, intent on whupping a certain silver haired Momma's Boy.

"…!" proclaimed Rude.

Reno didn't hesitate, he just pushed the button. And the tunnel exploded. Don't have a cow, Reno fans and that one closet Rude fan. They live. Don't ask me how, since they were in full range of the blast and their bodies should be charred beyond recognition…Square likes plotholes. FF-X2 was a wide, gaping, plot hole. What! Anyway…

Kadaj had managed to get far away enough into Aeris' church.

" Mother!" he said, joyously.

He opened his box, and suddenly his face fell. The truth crushed him like a weight. It was a neck. Just a neck.

His fantasies of baking cookies, going to the zoo and getting boo-boo's kissed by an actual mother, his mother; slowly faded.

Before he could get all emo, The King Of Emo aka Cloud showed up. Pissed.

Luna: Done! Thanks a bundle and a half for all of your support!


	7. Of A Thrilling Ending

Disclaimer: Things I don't own: Final Fantasy Advent Children, The book/movie The Princess Bride, and anything w/ a copyright.

Luna: Sorry for the extremely late update! Sadly, this is the last chapter…Let's observe a moment of silence…:gets yelled at for trying to stall!! Anyway, here's the last chapter! I never excepted it to get this big, thanks so much for all your support! And I should've stated this earlier, but I have nothing against Emo people; its all for the sake of the comedy! SO DON'T KILL ME!

Chapter 8: Of Sephrioth's return, and Cloud's lazy friends.

Kadaj was still reeling from his Mother revelation, as Cloud screamed, " You've gone too far! My name is Cloud Strife! You killed my father, prepare to die!"  
Kadaj was stunned, but not stunned enough to let that odd comment just slip by him.

" No, I didn't…"

" Well, you killed Aeris!"

" No…I didn't."  
" Well, you came to my town, strutting around all metro like it was okay! And then your brother's almost screwed up my hair! And…you tried to resurrect Jenova and stuff." declared Cloud, expressing an amazing amount of emotion.

The silver haired metro began to laugh maniacally, and jumped down from the balcony.

That was when a burst of water shot up and propelled Kadaj up in the air.

Cloud figured this must have been the work of Aeris. Then again, when the toilet paper roll held out after only a little was left; he considered it Aeris' doing as well.

A spray of water hit him, and the Geostigma washed away; like dirt. He began wondering if maybe he practiced better hygiene that the Geostigma wouldn't of been there in the first place.

Shaking off such deep thoughts, he jumped into the air and stalked Kadaj. Swinging the huge ass sword that made him a house hold name, Kadaj did a poor job of blocking his attacks; for he still clung to Mommy-In-A-Box. Loser.

As they fenced, Kadaj got dangerously close to the edge. And tripped. Cloud watched him, like a moron; much like he did when Aeris was impaled by Sephrioth.

Kadaj giggled like a school girl as he shoved the box into his chest, how a box went seamlessly through his buff chest; the world may never know.

" That was…easy." said Cloud.

But he decided to jump down and investigate because 1. He was dumb. 2. He was blonde. 3. The plot needed to advance.

**Meanwhile…**

On the ship Sierra, our ex-useful members of Cloud's party watched him. From a safe distance.

" Aw! I wanted a piece of Kadaj's ass!" cried Barret.

Everyone gave him an odd look.

" I meant in the fighting sense, dawgs!" he barked.

" Oh…I'm still worried about Cloudo…" announced Tifa, " But I shall cheer him on!"

" Kadaj is a cocoon, in a sense, for Sephrioth," mused Vincent, ignoring Tifa, " Cloudo can handle it. Besides, Cid's too damn lazy to land this thing, anyway."

" Wait…" said Yuffie, eyes like saucers, " HE'S A BUG!"  
" Miss, you're a dumbass," said Cat Sith.

" Shut the hell up, you damned stuffed animal!"

Tifa was too busy on the deck of the ship, chanting, " Cloudo, Cloudo, he's our man! If he can't do it, no one can! Because we like sitting on our asses! Go…CLOUDO!"  
Cid had left the controls unattended to get some popcorn and a beer, as Yuffie grabbed Cat Sith and bit it's head off.

" Why don't you ever come! Why do you send some dumb stuffed animal here instead of you? COWARD!" hollered Yuffie.

" Give me a C-"  
Vincent began to wonder why in the blue hell he ever hung out with these people.

**Meanwhile…**

Cloud had landed down where Kadaj fell, expecting to see entrails and guts everywhere. He was let down, severely.

That's when a sword crashed down on him, and Cloud's super fast Emo reflexes kicked in; blocking it.

" It's been a long time…" said a silky, masculine voice, who paused for effect.

Cloud's eyes widened into what basically said 'OhshitwhatthehellYOUAGAIN!'

"…Cloudo." continued Sephrioth.

Yup. Sephrioth. The most Metrosexual of them all.

" YOU!" cried Cloud, " You killed Aeris!"

"…That was 2 years ago." stated Sephrioth, " Get over it."  
Cloud's eyes burned into his as a fight ensued. Sephrioth broke the hold and dashed along the corridor; Cloud close behind. Sephrioth twisted around and was about to slice and dice our favorite hero; but he blocked it.

" You've gotten stronger…" commented Sephrioth, " What drives you so?"  
" My eventual death to end my boring, useless, empty life."  
Sephrioth stared at him.

" Then you should let me kill you."  
" Naw…that would be too easy…" said Cloud, and the impact of steel on steel threw them both back.

The fight was taken down the side of a building, Sephrioth threw down some incredibly large boulders at Cloud, who managed to slice through them. But the poor boy fell, landing with the grace of a wheelchair bound cactus.

Sephrioth had gotten the advantage as Cloud laid pinned to a wall.

" Tell me Cloud…what is most important to you?" he asked, pausing for effect.

3 seconds passed by, the Masumase wedged in Cloud's shoulder, Sephrioth smirking at him; and finally deciding to finish his little speech.

" So I can have the joy of taking it away!" he finished.

Images flashed through Cloud's head. It went a little something like this: Aeris, his spikey hair, Aeris, his huge sword, Aeris, bread pudding, Aeris-

Suddenly, Cloud had a revelation. A huge revelation. He was never alone.

He had his deceased girlfriend who he never even really dated, his deceased best friend who's girlfriend was also deceased and used Cloud, the odd dog creature, the stuffed animal, the kleptomaniac girl, the ghetto thug, the drunkard drug addict, the 'cheapo bastardo' and…that clingy girl. What was her name? Trish? Tina?  
" There's nothing I don't care about!" declared Cloud.

This sparked something inside him, and he used the sickest of the sick Limit Breaks; Ominoslash.

Sephrioth hovered in the air, getting repeatedly owned by our no-longer Emo blonde friend.

" Why won't you just frickin DIE already?" asked Cloud, frustrated.

" Because I have Materia…" said Sephrioth, once again, pausing for dramatic effect.

Crickets chirped.

Somewhere, Tifa continued her Cloud cheer.

"…And cheese." finished Sephrioth.

With that food for thought, Sephrioth changed back into Kadaj. Sadly, my favorite of the Metrosexuals was dying.

Cloud kept on the defensive as Kadaj charged at him, charged and fell into Cloud's arms.

Aww…how touching.

" Brother…" said Kadaj, meekly, " I'm sorry…"  
Cloud just gave him a meaningful look. He was through with words, as rabid fan girls around the world expected hot, incestal, yaoi.

Except me and the male fans of the series. What? It's disturbing…

It began to rain, and Cloud knew it just must be Aeris. Then again, he credited Aeris whenever he made it to the bathroom on time.

" Kadaj…" said a sweet, forlorn, voice.

" Mother?" asked Kadaj.

" Would you just give UP on your damn mother!" exclaimed Cloud.

Kadaj was too delirious to hear him.

" Uh…Sure. Come to the LifeStream. We have cookies."

"…Sure." said Kadaj.

With those words, he dissipated into what looked like smoky pyrofiles. Cloud stood up, outraged.

" Aeris! Take me! Come on! I love you!" he hollered.

So distracted was he on the prospect of dying, and rejecting his epiphany; he failed to notice Yazoo and Log.

A shot was fired into him, and then he was electrocuted.

" Want…to play?" asked Log, " Why not? Your…so MEAN!"

Cloud fell backwards in slow motion, blacking out.

Then he woke up and asked " Mother?"  
Surprised at his own idioticness, he figured Kadaj's stupidity must be contagious.

" I'm not your Mother, dammnit!" cried Aeris, " Geez, if I had a dollar for everyone who called me that…"  
" Is it really that bad?" asked Zack, " To be loved like that?"  
" Well…It'll be like incest-" she began.

" AERIS!" exclaimed Zack, " Anyway Cloudo, only special, dead people can with us. So long!"

" No! I wanna be dead!" whined Cloud.

Too late. He was back to where he was. The Sierra pulled up to him.

**Later…**

Cloud and his entourage had entered Aeris' church where a pool of water was.

Cloud jumped in, as Tifa ogled at his wetness. Marlene had dragged an hesitate Denzel to the water.

" Go on, Denzel!" said Marlene.

" No! No, you can't make me!" cried Denzel, clinging to her like mold on 6 day old bread.

She pushed him in, and he yelped. When Denzel resurfaced, Cloud suddenly became Father Cloud.

" The Power Of Christ compels YOU!" cried Cloud, and splashed him.

Denzel let out a hi-pitched, girly scream, and quickly realized the Geostigma was gone.

" It's okay!" cried Denzel.

With that, all the random orphans jumped in, thrashing and splashing about. Cloud turned and saw Aeris some feet away; sticking out like a sore thumb with her dumb, pink dress.

He didn't call her name. He didn't race after her. He just stared, muchlike how he stared when Aeris was impaled and Kadaj fell off the ledge.

And he smiled and said, " Now I know I'm not alone…but…I STILL WANNA DIEEE!"

Luna: THE END! 106 reviews…Whoa! Thank you all!


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